Demonstrative rhetoric: Literally, the argument of the future.

Now unless i'm sitting through an entire battle with my mother with a tape recorder, it's hard for me to recount everytyhing that was said. all i know is that when she begins to talk at me about "things that i hate" or "things that i think are stupid", all i'm thinking is, "you fit under both lists in my eyes when you talk like that". just today she was ranting about how she thinks my dad getting the window motors fixed on his car was stupid. i concede. yay, it's all over now. but no, it';s time for her to reinterate, over and over, how we should just take the windows out of her old junk and us install them. sure, whatever. i try to say as little as possible to prevent talking over her head and making her feel genuinely stupid, because for that I'd feel like genuine shit. In my silence, she compares me to my dad. The difference is, however, that his silence is not voluntary. I tell her,
"yeah, that's a good idea."
and it brings her mood up a bit for a minute, until she starts thinking stupid thoughts again.
"after those windows, that's it. your dad should just junk that car. it sits there like a piece of shit."
"yeah. make sure he saves the engine. we can fix it up."
"no you won't. it'll just waste more of our space and never get fixed like everything else you take apart."
mom, i love you. you and your undying faith in your son.
"well, in 5 years when i have time to spend with him, we'll fix it."
you see, right here is me trying my best to instill some amount of optomism into my mother. note the future tense of the sentence. that's me trying to deliberate, trying to get something acomplished. the environment i grew up in was always so negative, so brief, so unexplained. the latter years of my life have all been dedicated to preparing myself for the outside world, where people communicate with each other. a place where the desire to be part of a group can actually help a person advance in society. a place where people all around you are ready to tell you your idea are shit, but are also flexible enough to consider them and possible change stance. This is the world in which I wish to live. I'm going to make sure I get there. Where I grew up, I learned that I can do anything, I have the capability to hurt others, but I should not for the good of everyone; that this earth is truly free. I'm lucky for my upbringing. I just wouldn't wish it on my kids. What my mother says next is a prime example of why,
"well, you have time now, so why don't you now?"
Instantly, i think of all the reasons why i don't do it right now. these reasons aren't even for me, either. My dad's a busy man. He's got a stressful job where at he works hard, a huge yard to take care of, some horses, my mother's exhausting demeanor, his car keeps breaking down, he's busy.
okay well i'm taking off, i don't have all day to sit and vent. i've actually been over this whole situation since it ended, so me trying to recall all of it wouldn't quite give the same effect as being here.
What I wanted to remember was that every time I try to bring one of my mom's fights from a blame-shifting, name-calling slump, by using future tense statements, by taking her side on her thoughts about how certain things are stupid, she finds some way, SOME WAY, to make it back into a defense-offense battle between her and the world.
Mom, the world isn't out to get you. I can show you so. I'm here to help you.
I love you.
Read the book I gave you.