riding the fence

i'm ready.
all of life's lessons that i can learn on my own i've learned.
and it's still so lonely down here.
i've tried to feel love in so many things.
so many things i shouldn't have.
and every night, i expect my blanket to make me feel better.
but on those nights where i don't have a blanket,
i have nothing.
i need to be taken away.
i won't be cradled like a baby like much of the others,
but grab me by the wrist and haul me up slowly.
because i've always rushed through transitions and i need to feel this one.
it been right in front of my face for so long.
i could have trusted in it.
the trust is all mine, but it's real.
i am real.
i don't want to relate you to anyone else. i don't want to discuss.
i need you, and all of you to help me out.
sometimes i'm clouded by shit that doesn't matter.
i need you to be the sun.
sometimes i drown in pools of my own crisis.
i need you to teach me to swim.
up until now, it's only been of you not being able to mean anything to me.
because if i don't know how i'm supposed to feel in your presence, that i can't feel anything.
i've been shown by other how i can feel.
and i'm smart enough to put that feeling into other things.
but i'm also smart enough to see the flaws in doing so.
nobody is smart enough to see the flaw in you.
flaws in yours, but not in you.
i'm still not certain, but i'm ready.
and i'm not going to learn through anybody else.
just how i've always been. you know.
you have to show me.
i have to show me.
i don't know if i can show me.
because you're in my hands as much as i'm in yours.
i guess all it i have to do is know my creator.
but i don't.
none of us do.
i don't care who lit the fuse.
i don't amount.
and neither will my loins.
we won't be the ones to travel abroad,
and seed the other planets.
unless YOU show me.
because i don't know the feeling.
the spirit.